This is Scooter.
She's almost 11 years old.
Scooter is under the impression that she is not feline, but human. Her hobby is licking people.
Most often, the victim of her assaults is my husband. This is usually during the day, when he gets home from work.
I say most often, because last night, I was her victim. Three separate times. She thinks that any small sign I might be awake is her invitation. My hair was groomed, my hands were slobbered on, and my nose was directly assaulted by the ass breath o' death.
So if you happen to hear a loud meowing sound and see this creature approaching, run, for the love of all that's holy. Your only defense is to throw down a pair of unwashed underwear. If the timing is right, she will flop right down and bury her odd little head in those babies.