On December 21st, it will have been five years. Five years since I got the worst phone call of my life - my brother, simply saying, "It's dad.", and his silence when I asked "What happened? I just talked to him last night and he was fine! Did he go back to the hospital?" He couldn't, wouldn't give me details, but I had a feeling. In hindsight, there were some clues, but we'd all kind of brushed them aside, never dreaming that it would come to that. Five years since I've been able to hear my father's gruff voice, doling out advice on my questions. Five years since I've heard him laugh at something my daughter has said.
It's gotten a little easier over those five years, but I still find myself funking out this time of year...getting cranky or weepy for no good reason. Feeling like I'm not good company for anyone. There's been anger. How dare he, didn't he think about how it would mar the holidays for all of us? Didn't he know? There's also been a lot of introspection, which may not have happened under different circumstances.
I feel myself pushing people away, trying to save myself from any possible pain like that again. I avoid bad news because I don't like feeling vulnerable.
That's why, every year since, I've had to pull myself up by my bootstraps and put my big girl pants on to get through. So if I seem distant and standoffish, it's not you. Keep trying; I'll get over it. Somehow.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I've never been one for making New Year's Resolutions...promises unkept aren't my thing. This year, though, felt different for some reason. Getting through another Christmas without my dad, and the first one without my father-in-law, was rough. The tragedy at Newtown was unspeakably horrible. I started contemplating my health, and beyond physical health (which I am blessed to be relatively healthy, even though I'm carrying too many extra pounds), I've really started thinking even more about mental and emotional health. Stress and anxiety is so taxing on every aspect of our beings. One of the things I've said a lot lately is, "I used to be much more fun than this...", so I've decided that my single resolution for 2013 is to Have More Fun. I'm eternally grateful to the very funny peeps I have been getting to know, even though it's via FB for now...I think they will be instrumental in helping me get the funny back. Cheers!
Posted by Molly's Mom at 2:13 PM