Monday, May 25, 2009

I'm going slightly mad...

I should probably go see my therapist more often than once a month.

Anyone who has ever lost someone close to them would know that what I am going through is most likely "normal". This cycle of semi-good days followed by several crap days. Crap meaning I might get up and shower, but am not motivated to go anywhere or do anything. I feel overwhelmed to even make a grocery list, much less actually go to the grocery store. The only thing I'm able to do consistently is go to work - and that's only because I can't afford not to. I've been so pissy the last few days, snapping at both husband and daughter...probably because if I don't snap, I'll cry. My sense of humor is MIA, and I used to be one that loved to laugh - stupid humor, pratfalls, bring it on!

The stress at work has been a problem as well. This time of year is bad no matter what - having to get through a bunch of IEPs; getting new referrals and having to figure out what to do with them over the summer; report writing up the yinyang. And to top it off, I had another speech path be a complete and utter jackass to me. I was trying to do this pinhead a favor - I have given him WAY more than I have to give the other SLPs I work with (these are people that our little ones are transitioning to after they age out of the early intervention birth - 3 program) because he doesn't understand my report. Keep in mind that no one else has EVER had a problem with understanding my reports or the goals I suggest. After this kid's IEP, I actually sat down and wrote out the sounds this kid can do (which is NOT the primary concern...language is b/c the kid is not saying as much as he should) and can't do (the can't do's were all developmentally appropriate, meaning we can't really expect him to say these particular sounds yet). I got a really nasty, rude, obnoxious reply that made my blood boil. I forwarded it to my boss, who forwarded it to her boss. Now we'll see if anything comes of it. This guy is unreal. To top it off, I can't find him in the directory of nationally certified SLPs and his teaching certificate expired in 1998. So what credentials does he have? Nothing, besides being the biggest assbag on earth. That happened last week and it still makes me furious. I should not be holding onto it like I am.

And then, there's a holiday weekend. Ah, bliss! A long weekend to leisurely sit around, get things done around the house, etc.! W-R-O-N-G. To me? Well, I don't really know what my problem is, other than the fact that I think it's because my Memorial Day routine has been upset. My dad isn't around anymore to go to the (10 minute) parade with. I just plain don't have the motivation to get out and do anything big. I don't even really want to go next door to have a BBQ with the neighbors; it just means that I'd have to expend energy to be social. Anyone that knew me back in the day knew that, while maybe I didn't care for huge gatherings of people I didn't know well, I would at least jump at the chance to be around my friends. Not to mention that I almost feel like my friends are avoiding me - but maybe that's just some weird paranoia. Or maybe I really am starting to get weird.

I don't want to be this way. I HATE grieving. I hate mourning. My dad would be the first one to tell me to knock it off. It's been 5 freaking months, and I want to be done with this. But, as my therapist told me recently, while I think that, she sees it as "it's only been 5 months". It's hard to cut myself some slack. I feel isolated and damn lonely, being 2 hours away from the friends I was around for 10 years. I don't have the gumption to go out and meet new people - pretending to be "normal" when I so. don't. feel. normal.

Is it ever going to get better???